I began this painting following a dream in which I dove into a lake to help someone retrieve something they couldn’t reach. In the dream I remember the phrase, “Dive in, you only live once”. Then a few days later I found the diving image that has been incorporated into the painting, in one of my sisters old Geneseo College magazines. Going back to my dream- I ended up exploring a vast underwater area in the lake and found that I could breath under water, and was able to explore the depths and find some treasure in the form of a Disney princess gun….I have no idea, lol.

There are many mysteries in life, but it is often true that when what we know collides with the hidden depths, a reaction must take place. Lets work in the language of the painting…. If the Sun is what we know, and the vast Ocean is the mystery, then we could see the painting as a surface exchange of energy between conscious selves and the mingling surface waters of our inner knowing. The sun- what we believe we know- creates the warmth and light and imparts its energy and influence to our depths. At the same time, the deep waters of mystery splash and ebb and flow to the surface of our lives, evaporating in the warmth of the Sun. An alchemy takes place where the upper and lower meet in ourselves. We spend our lives in this in between space, sometimes fully in the sun, sometimes underwater but always navigating in some way between the two. Never quite knowing the limits or what magical or turbulent thing may happen.

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The other day I sat on the front stoop, and got to watching some ants carrying pieces of rose petals from a bush by my driveway, to their anthill about 30 feet away. Not an easy task for one so tiny. But most of them knew the size they could manage. One ant who didn’t, and was carrying a piece 3x the size of the others, started stumbling in circles until he finally abandoned his treasure and went home- maybe to rest

What does this story have to do with anything? I don’t know, yet. Maybe if we are looking for a clean clear moral to the story I’d say don’t bite off more than you can chew, or something. But I’m not looking for a moral. I’m wondering why ants want rose petals, and I don’t know, yet. But ants are pretty damned smart as all creatures are in their own special ways.

Why do people want what they want? Idk yet. Do people even know what they want? Well that question is loaded. Well, sometimes you KNOW what you want, but you don’t know what to do about it.

The other day I was on a phone interview and they asked the old question, ‘Where do you want to be in 5 years?’ I told them I have no idea. I didn’t care if it was the right answer. They invited me for another interview.

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The point is, I guess, that it is okay to not know yet. Awhile back I asked a friend ‘What do you want?’ And they answered, ‘I don’t know yet.’ And guess what? It’s okay. Its OKAY to not know yet. That’s the whole thing about life…. most stuff we just DO NOT KNOW YET. Isn’t it just great not to have to have the answer all the time. Sometimes you just put one foot in front of the other and that’s it. Sometimes you just put down your burden and rest. But I appreciate the honesty of letting yourself say I dont know yet. I am giving myself and all of you permission to not know yet.

Title: Permission to Not Know Yet

Completion Date: May 12, 2021

Size: 46 x 56 inches

P.S. I dont know which way is up yet on the painting